What if you would have to tell someone the most important thing in the world but you knew that they would never believe you ?

Yeah, how would you answer the question above if you were me? As for me, I'll say "I'll still try" or "I've tried"...It's nt easy though...but what life is if it's not all about trying n trying to our last breath? All of us are trying every second of our life. Trying to live, trying to love, trying to feel, trying for perfection...the list may go on forever...Yes, trying does pull me down, drag me to where I don't belong...but it's worth it when our effort is paid off! Yet, what if our trying comes to a dead end? Do you give up? Do you really think that "Yeah, that's it! That's the end!"??? I leave the questions to be pondered upon...sometimes YOU have to listen to what YOUR LITTLE HEART SAYS...listen with YOUR HEART n YOU'LL KNOW THE ANSWER...

I Look to You >.<

As I'm going to lay myself down, Heaven please hear me now...I'm lost, lost without a cause after giving it my all. Winter storms have come n darkened my sun. After all that I've been through, who on earth can I turn to? I look to You...I hope I can still look to You...after all my strength is gone, in You I can be strong. N when melodies are gone, in You I hear a song, n I still look to You...

       I'm about to lose my breath. There's no more fighting left, sinking to rise no more, searching for that open door...N every road that I've taken led to no regret in me, yet I don't know if I'm gonna make it! Nothing to do but lift my head n look to You...I still look to You when all my strength is gone coz in You I can be strong.

     My levee's have broken, my walls have come crumbling down on me. The rain is falling, defeat is calling. Thus, I need You to set me free...please do set me free...by taking me far away from the battle for I can fight no more...I need You, please shine on me again...I LOOK TO YOU, I'LL ALWAYS LOOK TO YOU...would You despise me n leave me when I turn away from You? Or would You hold out Your hands n embrace me in Your loving arms?

Vodka+Grapefruit+Cranberry Juice=SEABREEZE

Guess blogging has slowly seeped into my heart n life...feels like to write each time before I sleep, letting go every single thing that I face everyday in the blog so as not to bring it to another brand new day (if I'm still given the privilege to breathe in the air the next day). I am not proud of today...I challenged myself to do things that I've never thought of doing in life so far...I know I shouldn't put You into test; but my faith is falling apart...I'm slowly losing my grip, no where to hold on to...

 

     This afternoon, I hung out with Walter n Robin at Mid. It's really an unplanned plan. I needed to get out from my room, to get rid of the negative feelings that were slowly building up in me this morning. Thus, I forced myself to just go out...go anywhere as long as I don't end up suffocated in my room, crying nonstop...I don't want it to happen repeatedly in my life yet it just happens without my knowing. I really hate that kind of depression...it simply brings me down to the darkest n deepest tunnel ever, where I'll end up crying for God-knows-how-long...I hate it, really hate to be trapped in this depression!!! I HATE MYSELF for I fail to be STRONG as I'd promised YOU, to be FINE n MOVE ON as I'd promised YOU...

 

      In the end, what else did I do today??? I tried to drunk myself with vodka...with lots n lots of delicacies...delicacies that I shouldn't have been taking at all actually. I stuffed myself with endless cold desserts as well. Was I out of mind??? Was I indirectly trying to hurt myself??? Where has my love for myself gone to??? Yeah, I admit I've forgotten how to love myself anymore...I admit that...coz I've been giving love n care to others all these while, especially to YOU...expecting nothing in return but just pure bonding...friendship...the least...how I miss the times when we could sit at the basketball court, talking all night long, laughing at teeny winnie things, teasing each other...is it really hard n impossible to return to the way we used to be??? Do we have to end up torturing each other now??? When is the time I could learn to laugh n smile without faking them again??? When is the time YOU would come n wipe the tears away from my eyes???

 

     I know...I know I'm self-destructing myself now...more often than not without my consciousness. Skipping lectures whenever I can (though I love attending lectures), not being able to do anything (assignments, thesis), forcing myself to sleep n sleep n sleep (coz depression slips in the moment I'm awake), stuffing myself with fud that I shouldn't be taking...*sigh*...But one thing that I'll never forget to do n is not wrong...I'll never stop praying for YOUR HAPPINESS, for the day when YOU'LL REALISE THAT DEEP INSIDE YOU, YOU ARE STILL THE ONE WHOM I KNOW NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU'VE CHANGED!!!

Fall for you...

I've so much to pen down tonight...yet I'm clueless now, not knowing where to start. Taking a deep breath...while listening to "Fall For You" by Secondhand Serenade over and over. Today I believe is fruitfully spent. Finally, I've completed two chapters for my thesis and have e-mailed them to my supervisor b4 12.30 p.m. Crossing my fingers, I hope that she will approve them with not much changes...after that, I rushed to the bus stop to catch the commuter bus. For the first time ever, I was going to Mid to have a get-together with my ex-classmates. However, the journey to Mid this afternoon was really testing my patience. I waited for almost 45 minutes for a rapid to go to commuter station. Worse than that, the commuter was delayed for almost an hour when I reached there. Fuh~~that's really tiring and annoying!!!

     Nonetheless, it's really worth it for me to come and reunite with my friends!!! We had breakfast+lunch+dinner (3 in 1) at Kim Gary since it was nearly 3 p.m. already. How we chatted and laughed in the restaurant (",) we should have 'lepak' at mamak stall instead actually coz we talked as if there's no one around us, haha...I was pretty sure quite a number were staring at us from time to time especially when laughter erupted from our table =p sorry, guys; we're really enjoying ourselves, couldn't care less what people think anymore...

     Can you guess what we did after that?? We headed to The Gardens' Red Box and had FOUR-HOUR karaoke session!!!! Here I would like to extend my thanks to YOU for exposing me to karaoke...I would never forget my first ever karaoke session with YOU...Wow, we really sang our hearts out!!!! EATING, DRINKING (dun wori, they're all soft drinks & fruit juice, haha)& most importantly SINGING non-stop...throughout the karaoke session, it reminded me of YOU...the songs be it Malay, Chinese, or English songs...somehow all the songs that we'd chosen were closely related to US. Was that merely a coincidence? Do YOU think so? That's not all...when the song "Fall For You" by Secondhand Serenade was played, I was breathless & speechless!! I never thought I would be able to come across this song again...I fell in love with the song & am still in love with it when I first heard it through the radio.

     The mike was cupped in my hands at that time...emotions raced through my mind & heart...I sang with all my heart and tears nearly rolled down my cheeks...but I held it back, not wanting to spoil the fun that we had...I dedicate this song to YOU if you're reading this...

Secondhand Serenade: Fall For You

The best thing 'bout tonight's that we're not fighting

Could it be that we have been this way before?

I know you don't think that I am trying

I know you're wearing thin down to the core

But hold your breath

Because tonight will be the night

That I will fall for you over again

Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day

I swear it's true

Because a *man* like you is impossible to find

You're impossible to find

This is not what I intended

I always swore to you I'd never fall apart

You always thought that I was stronger

I may have failed, but I have loved you from the start

Oh, but hold your breath

Because tonight will be the night

That I will fall for you over again

Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day

I swear it's true

Because a *man* like you is impossible to find

It's impossible

So breathe in so deep

Breathe me in, I'm yours to keep

And hold on to your words 'cause talk is cheap

And remember me tonight when you're asleep

Because tonight will be the night

That I will fall for you over again

Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day

I swear it's true

Because a *man* like you is impossible to find

Tonight will be the night

That I will fall for you over again

Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day

I swear it's true

Because a *man* like you is impossible to find

You're impossible to find

p/s: the original word for *man* is girl...the man here refers to YOU...

This song speaks on behalf of me...I know I've promised YOU that I'd never fall apart but I failed...& I'm not as strong as YOU think I am...sorry for that...sorry...

Just 3 simple dots ...

There's no exact word 2 describe d condition I'm in right now after battles of tears for the whole afternoon & evening. I feel so useless...so depressed...so unworthy...& thus it serves me right 2 end up in a deep black dungeon right now. No matter how hard I try 2 climb & escape through the dungeon, I fall before I even reach 2 the middle of the way. Each fall drags & pulls me deeper into the dungeon. How I wish someone could save me from losing myself...bringing light 2 my life again...cause I'm losing total control of myself every second every minute of the day! Tonnes of work are waiting for me but I could not even get a single thing done...I no longer recognise the way I am now...do you?? Does anyone know me in & out?? Please...can anyone tell me what has happened? Does anyone care 2 explain why this is happening 2 me? Can anyone please do me a favour & slap me real hard 2 wake me up from this nightmare?

Inking?? Perhaps...

21^st August 2009, Friday. 12.18 a.m. Somehow I have a sudden urge to write...to start blogging...to write as much as I can for as long as my lappie’s heart can last. AK 5216 touched the so-much-missed land of Kuching at approximately 8.45 p.m. I could see rain pouring down through the glass window of the plane. Pages of memories raced through my mind. Sudden sound of passengers opening the luggage compartment brought me back to reality. I smiled to myself and got up, telling myself “It’s time to go, babe!” I was quite surprised that everywhere I go, I am always shown with compassion. A middle-aged woman requested her husband to help me, the ‘za bo’ in Hokkien, meaning a girl, with my luggage. Is it because I’m petite? Haha, I may be quite thin and small for my age but never underestimate my strength though =p

Kinda tired due to the flight and laundry chore but the different environment that surrounds I now really heighten my body sugar level. Sitting on a brownie couch with my lappie on my lap, with the standing fan fanning exactly directly at my face, and also with the companion of Grey’s Anatomy series on NTV 7 (though I’ve actually finished watching the series end of last year, and it’s certainly one of my favourites). Hmm...staying at this condo somehow gives me a peace of mind...which I’ve been needing for quite some time. Yeah, you’re definitely right! I’m thinking about YOU...about US...about EVERYTHING...It may be a PAST for certain people but for me it’s still a PRESENT for they are all living memories in my mind and heart.

I’m pretty sure many of you are shocked to see the tattoo on my back, at the middle lower part of my shoulder, near to my neck. It’s the combination of tribal and feminine design that I came up with, together with my tattooist. Thus, this is the one and only tattoos individual design that belongs to me alone =) Yup, it’s permanent and still in the healing process now. I can feel the skin at my back (the tattoo) begins to tighten up and cracked. Oh yes, I begin to feel the itchiness too...okay, back to the main track of my story, haha...there’s a story behind the tattoo. A long, winding complicated story...nah, don’t worry I’m not gonna to bore you with the story of my life, to be exact the first significant episode in my life.

The tattoo symbolises me, the inner ME...the pain that I’d bore for the tattoo signifies the pain of a broken relationship/friendship that I’m dealing with every now and then. Nevertheless, the tattooing pain (physical) was nothing compared to the emotional pain, which has indeed taken its heavy toll on me...the tattoo is permanent and so does the SIGNIFICANT EPISODE of my life. The impact of it is gonna to last forever and the tattoo (the scar) too. The healing process of the tattoo when the skin would harden, would crack, would peel off, and would be itchy as well is liken to the exact condition of ME, I am in right now. I hope I could learn from the healing process and let myself experience the healing too, breaking free from the chain of past...

Only when I manage to let go of the past, I could be able to move on with my life...starting on with the new episode of my life, with the new layer of skin covering my tattoo scar and only by then the beauty of art (tattoo) could be highly appreciated as well as admired. However, moving on doesn’t mean that I’m gonna give up in rekindling the broken relationship/friendship. It’s something special, something precious to me, something that I hold dearly to my heart...YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW & FOREVER...no matter what happens, U'RE OWEYS BE THE ONE!!! Just remember that I'll oweys be der for u...d day our bond was crafted, it is meant 2 be...meant 2 last 4eva...have FAITH, Kim (",)