Vodka+Grapefruit+Cranberry Juice=SEABREEZE

Guess blogging has slowly seeped into my heart n life...feels like to write each time before I sleep, letting go every single thing that I face everyday in the blog so as not to bring it to another brand new day (if I'm still given the privilege to breathe in the air the next day). I am not proud of today...I challenged myself to do things that I've never thought of doing in life so far...I know I shouldn't put You into test; but my faith is falling apart...I'm slowly losing my grip, no where to hold on to...

 

     This afternoon, I hung out with Walter n Robin at Mid. It's really an unplanned plan. I needed to get out from my room, to get rid of the negative feelings that were slowly building up in me this morning. Thus, I forced myself to just go out...go anywhere as long as I don't end up suffocated in my room, crying nonstop...I don't want it to happen repeatedly in my life yet it just happens without my knowing. I really hate that kind of depression...it simply brings me down to the darkest n deepest tunnel ever, where I'll end up crying for God-knows-how-long...I hate it, really hate to be trapped in this depression!!! I HATE MYSELF for I fail to be STRONG as I'd promised YOU, to be FINE n MOVE ON as I'd promised YOU...

 

      In the end, what else did I do today??? I tried to drunk myself with vodka...with lots n lots of delicacies...delicacies that I shouldn't have been taking at all actually. I stuffed myself with endless cold desserts as well. Was I out of mind??? Was I indirectly trying to hurt myself??? Where has my love for myself gone to??? Yeah, I admit I've forgotten how to love myself anymore...I admit that...coz I've been giving love n care to others all these while, especially to YOU...expecting nothing in return but just pure bonding...friendship...the least...how I miss the times when we could sit at the basketball court, talking all night long, laughing at teeny winnie things, teasing each other...is it really hard n impossible to return to the way we used to be??? Do we have to end up torturing each other now??? When is the time I could learn to laugh n smile without faking them again??? When is the time YOU would come n wipe the tears away from my eyes???

 

     I know...I know I'm self-destructing myself now...more often than not without my consciousness. Skipping lectures whenever I can (though I love attending lectures), not being able to do anything (assignments, thesis), forcing myself to sleep n sleep n sleep (coz depression slips in the moment I'm awake), stuffing myself with fud that I shouldn't be taking...*sigh*...But one thing that I'll never forget to do n is not wrong...I'll never stop praying for YOUR HAPPINESS, for the day when YOU'LL REALISE THAT DEEP INSIDE YOU, YOU ARE STILL THE ONE WHOM I KNOW NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU'VE CHANGED!!!